Courageous Boundaries: Managing Life with Your Ex Partner by One Love Foundation and Miss Kansas, Alexis Smith

Co-authored by One Love Foundation and Miss Kansas, Alexis Smith 

A Personal Story from Miss Kansas, Alexis Smith 

“As Miss Kansas, I’ve had to confront my past in ways I never imagined. When I saw my ex-partner in the audience my psychological reaction of “fight or flight” resulted in me fleeting to the safety of my trusted directors and family. I felt alarmed, confused, and frustrated. I carried those feelings throughout the rest of the competition. During my final question, these emotions drove my response and I was reminded of the strength it took to leave that unhealthy relationship and reclaim my power. That moment wasn’t just about winning a title—it was about standing up for myself and anyone who has ever felt trapped in relationship abuse. Sharing my story has been a deeply personal journey, and I hope that by opening up about my experiences, I can help others who are dealing with similar situations. Together with the One Love Foundation, I’m committed to providing the education and support needed to recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships and take steps toward safety and healing.” 

Breaking up is tough, but leaving an unhealthy relationship takes extra courage and planning. Here’s the tea: safety planning isn’t just for the breakup itself—it’s for before, during, AND after. Let’s get into it. 

Safety Planning Basics 

First things first, check out the Safety Planning Worksheet at One Love’s Education Center. It’s packed with questions that help you stay safe longer-term. You can also check out our real-time resources page for a list of helpful partner organizations. Some key points to consider: 

• Safe Breakup Spots: Choose a public place for the breakup where you feel safe. 

• Avoid Unplanned Encounters: Think about where you might see them and plan how to stay safe. This could mean telling a friend or trusted adult to be there or having an exit plan if things get uncomfortable. 

School Safety Tips 

If you’re in school together, here’s what you can do: 

• Talk to Trusted Adults: Inform a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach about the situation so they can help ensure you aren’t paired together in projects or practice. 

• Stay in Safe Zones: Stick around friends or areas where you feel secure. 

• Safety on Campus: Ensure that doors and windows are locked when you’re alone. 

Social Media Smarts 

Social media can be a minefield post-breakup. Here’s how to navigate it: 

• Screenshot Evidence: Before blocking an abusive partner, it’s crucial to first screenshot any evidence. For instance, on Facebook, blocking someone removes access to the message thread. If you need that thread later, you’d have to unblock them for 48 hours, which could be risky. 

• Update Passwords: Change your passwords, especially if they were shared, to secure your accounts. 

• Take A Break from Social Media: Taking a break from social media can be a valuable step in focusing on your hobbies, interests, and support groups, which can strengthen your mental health and independence. 

• Block/Unfollow: Make sure they can’t see your posts or contact you. Also, it’s okay to unfollow or block friends who are not supportive of you ending the relationship. 

• Go Private: Make your account private. 

• Location Safety: Turn off location sharing and avoid posting your whereabouts in real time. This includes asking friends not to post Instagram stories or Snapchats that share your location.  

Shared Spaces 

• By now, you’ve likely seen Miss Kansas call out her abusive partner for being in the audience as she was crowned. Let’s talk about being around your abuser after the breakup. What if you hang out with the same friends or they frequent your workplace? Here are some tips: 

• Communicate: Let your friends know the situation so they can support you. 

• Create Boundaries: Set boundaries with family and friends when it comes to the relationship. 

• Acknowledge Safety Over Comfort: Prioritize your safety over the comfort of others. Friends may devalue the situation for the sake of shared spaces, but your well-being comes first. 

• Share Location with a Trusted Individual: Ensure someone you trust knows where you are. 

• Stay Alert: Be aware of your surroundings. 

• Have a Plan: Always have a safety plan in place if they show up unexpectedly.  

By supporting One Love, you help us provide vital resources to those who need them most. Your safety is our priority—stay strong, and remember that the One Love Foundation, along with trusted friends or adults, is here to support you.

–Carla M Kozen, Content Manager